The New Me? My Self-Love Journey Begins

If you have been following the Unapologetically Me Blog so far, then you already know my self-love journey is just the beginning after my break-up. For other people, maybe you had already started your journey in a different way. To be honest, I didn't even know that was the journey I was on. It didn't feel like I was on a path to self-love I just felt very....lost. In fact, my world felt like it was falling apart, and I was doing my best to not make it appear as such.

Journey

Single mom + 20 years old = confused. I was still getting used to parenting my daughter, and living back at my parents house, working full time, and finishing undergrad. It was chaotic. Sometimes I look back and reflect on all the things I experienced, and think how in the world did I get through it all? It must of been the 20 year old energy, because I don't think my body would respond the same now.

After the break-up, I constantly felt I had to "prove" myself. Whether that was being a good mother, spending the child support "accordingly," staying on top of my studies. I mean the list can go on. Let's face it, I was a statistic. A teenage single Latina mother. I seen everyone's stares when I went out in public. And at the grocery stores, when I had to pull out the WIC checks so that I could buy the minimal milk, peanut butter etc. Mind you - I didn't qualify for any other assistance because I made a little more than the maximum amount for my household. I constantly felt like I had to swallow my pride, and take any help that I could to get by. I remember one day as I was checking out at the grocery store, and my daughter decided she wanted to throw a tantrum. Literally kicking and screaming on the floor. And I was like - what in the world?! I was so overwhelmed - I hurried to pay the cashier, and had to pick her up, with a bag of groceries while everyone just stared at me. I felt my face turn red in embarrassment just because I already felt like they were saying - "tuh see there's another one." The statistic. Or -was it just me? Either way - I refused.

By May - I graduated with my bachelors in Psychology and minor in Sociology. I decided I was going to continue to work full time for the year until I HAD to go to Grad school. Back then they didn't inform me that psychology can only get you so far. Grad school had to be the next step, unless of course you were a lucky one to have connections to get into the state. So that year my focus was reconnecting with friends, finding myself (whatever that meant), and enjoying my time. I couldn't go out all the time like my friends, but when my daughter was with her father - I went out. I enjoyed my time, I worked, I tried to pay off debt, and all at the same time - dealing with the constant battle of co-parenting arguments.

It was like arguing was keeping some random fire going. And it's not the "romantic spark." It felt like constant rage. Like if there had to be something wrong every single time. I couldn't understand it. What I did or did not do. And honestly for myself, one of the struggles I had was feeling like another woman was doing "my job." My struggle had nothing to do with the relationship - that was over along time ago. It was more of - I had this kid and now I could only see her half of the time, but yet felt like I had to do most of the leg work when I did have her with little time to enjoy her. So maneuvering through that was tough. With another woman in place and not knowing who she was - was frustrating. It didn't help any anxiety of knowing if my daughter being safe. Some would say well- he was there. Well - the reality was he was working all the time. We were all immature, in such a mature situation -ugh it was rough. Is there anyone out there that could relate?

I began to journal sometime that year. But the journal wasn't for me. The journal was for my daughter. I just felt like I needed some sense of relief, and at the time therapy wasn't something I was thinking about. Journaling provided an outlet where I could have my voice heard, say what I wanted, and express the fears anxieties, and frustrations that I was experiencing because in reality no one around me knew what I was going through. I just needed a space for me to feel like "let me just get this out." And this was my way. Or at least this was the start.

You may have already started this process, but just in case you didn't here's a link for my own With Love Unapologetically Me® journal. It's important to have an outlet, and journaling was the beginning step for me. It may not be the first step for others as there are other outlets as well. But this was my beginning. Where does yours begin?

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